As you can see I've been really loved and played with for my whole life. Originally I contained toilet paper in a warehouse in Sidcup - it was dark and gloomy. Conversation was dull - 'what have you got in you today?' 'toilet roll?' 'yeah - me too...'
One day I was thrust into the open air - a beautiful alleyway in Mottingham. Partially covered in soiled clothes and cat urine I thought this would be the way I would spend my days till deaths final release.
Then along came Daddy Papersurfer - he saved my life - took me home and gave me to Papersurfer for Christmas. Oh you should have seen his little face - lit up like a Lampost from Skegness.
Since that day my life has been just perfect - different objects thrust in and out of my open orifice for years. In and out. In and out.
Even when I became weak and flaccid he still loved me - dripping soothing warm oil on me from his car sump in the garage. Such devotion...
Now - finally - my useful life is over but he still continues to adore me as I am scrunched lovingly into a giant green care home filled with thousands of friends...
