Teddy Banstead:

.
Notable low points in my life:
Having my ears flapped off and low budget cosmetic replacements made from corduroy.
Relegated to position of second fiddle due to my owners father winning a cuddly Koala in a ‘guess-the-number-of-sweets-in-a-jar competition.
Having my nose darned by artificial light and finding in the cold light of day that purple thread had been used in error.
Taken out and shot in apparently motiveless attack with an air rifle on my 14th birthday. (my abdominal wounds were dressed with more corduroy but no suitable eye replacement was ever found - hence the squint.
Notable high point in my life:
It’s been pleasantly quiet on the shelf these last 34 years.

Story submitted to Grumpy Ted from a non-blogger called Pettulant.

Colin (the cardboard box)

Hello - my name is Colin (the cardboard box).

As you can see I've been really loved and played with for my whole life. Originally I contained toilet paper in a warehouse in Sidcup - it was dark and gloomy. Conversation was dull - 'what have you got in you today?' 'toilet roll?' 'yeah - me too...'
One day I was thrust into the open air - a beautiful alleyway in Mottingham. Partially covered in soiled clothes and cat urine I thought this would be the way I would spend my days till deaths final release.
Then along came Daddy Papersurfer - he saved my life - took me home and gave me to Papersurfer for Christmas. Oh you should have seen his little face - lit up like a Lampost from Skegness.
Since that day my life has been just perfect - different objects thrust in and out of my open orifice for years. In and out. In and out.
Even when I became weak and flaccid he still loved me - dripping soothing warm oil on me from his car sump in the garage. Such devotion...
Now - finally - my useful life is over but he still continues to adore me as I am scrunched lovingly into a giant green care home filled with thousands of friends...